Virtually since day one, I’ve been openly and bitterly opposed to right-wing politicos. I scan partisan hacks with a jaundiced eye, regardless of where they land on the political spectrum. I don’t need reactionaries of any stripe. But for the longest time, I’ve held a unique distrust for conservatives in American politics.
Now check my math, but wasn’t the first scandal in United States history the work of conservatives? Puritans, the religious conservatives of their day, got it into their heads that women were good wall hangings. Right-wingers are the first to kill, the most eager for war, the most hungry for money and power, always the most afraid. Attacking southeast Asia? Their idea. That third-rate burglary in a hotel. Trading arms for hostages. I could go on all day like this. Then again, listing only their colossal screw-ups through history might crash the entire ‘net.
Okay, I’ll stop sitting on your chest and tell you what’s with me and neocons lately. Illegal immigration.  I’ve been meaning to get a good flame going on this one too. And yes, I’m Hispanic. That doesn’t change the fact that their obsession with our southwestern border is becoming a right-wing fetish.
Mayhaps it’s arrogant of me, gentle reader (and kindly fuck yourself with sweaty gelignite if you think it is), but I’m sick of it. Their whiny fears. Their rabid complaints. Their panicked backpedalling at justified accusations of racism.
C’mon, of course it’s racism. They hates us little brown people. They’s a-scared of my parents, my aunts and uncles, my nieces and nephews. And yet they’ll tool around a parking lot in a pick-up truck and (ha-ha) picks themselves up a handful of “guest workers” for two bucks an hour.
And you know it’s about us beaners. They don’t care if a white glassy-eyed psycho soaked in blood crosses the Canadian border. If you’ve got a tan and can’t wait to make a decent living, you’re…an illegal alien!  Aliens! Invasion! Time to kick your hard-working, naturally tan ass back to Mars!
Boot.
Here’s the clincher. Frank Luntz, professional Mr Potato-Head look-alike and neocon newspeak architect extraordinaire, had lent his skills at warping language and discourse to this issue some time ago. Y’know, sort of the way Sir Isaac Newton had equations lying around just in case someone had to track a comet. Luntz and his ilk prepared a document chock full of Orwellian doubletalk and catchphrases for this very subject. And now it’s making the rounds on the Internet.
I’ve been going over this document. It’ll cost me my blood pressure, but one must know thine enemy. Admirable advice. (Yeah, I’m going serious link-happy today, kids. Good luck keeping up. Marcel Proust ain’t got nuthin’ on me.)
Anyway, this is how Luntz’s Ministry of Truth intends to “frame” the discourse. Make note of this. These psycho-linguistic potholes are going to come at you from every aspect of the mainstream news media — viral advertising in its purest form, at its most brilliantly executed. These are the words, the metaphors and verbal images that you’ll be bombarded with. This isn’t some tinfoil hat conspiracy at work. It doesn’t have to be. All it has to be is ubiquitous, persistent, and repetitious in order to work.
“Linguistically, as you enter the debate, there are four key themes that must represent the core of your message:Â prevention, protection, accountability and compassion.”
There, he states his intention to co-opt those words, to re-define what they mean whenever anyone in this country talks about immigration. And now, their ideal framings for those four important words….
[On prevention:]Â “If we stop the inflow of illegal immigrants, we can start to address the problems created by illegal immigrants already here.”
It doesn’t take much time for anyone to notice how absurd that premise is. If prevention was really of interest, they’d stop illegal immigration at the source. They’d work with the Mexican government (such as it is) to give the Mexican lower class a reason to stay home.
The hardline right-wingers paint Mexicans as moochers, as if they’re coming across the border to have fun at our expense and because they like to commit crimes. In reality there are two simple reasons why people are crossing the border. First, they want to make a decent living. To feed their families, to live in good health, with dignity. Second, they want to be free. Violent crime is rampant. And half of it comes from the local police. Negotiate with the Mexican government, address these issues productively, and two-thirds of the human traffickers on that border will be out of a job.
But the neocons don’t really care about the poor. They buy into the Calvinist view that you’re poor because you’re too weak to be rich. In other words, they’re not really interested in getting to the heart of the problem. All they want is scapegoats. For two bucks an hour.
[On protection:] “For most Americans, protection is as much about economic security as it is about homeland security – so say it and personalize it.”
Uh huh? Yet neocons aren’t the least bit concerned about infiltration from the Canadian border. And they should. I don’t mean the Travis Bickle wannabe several links up. I mean terrorists crossing the northern border, as they did back in 1999. The Millennium Plot — the one the Clinton administration stopped.
But then you probably don’t remember that, do you, little neocon? Too busy scanning dresses for protein stains.
Don’t let these yahoos play this protection scam on you. The scary 9/11 card is their favorite play, but in the end, it’s just a ruse. Uninspected cargo containers, chainsaw-wielding nutjobs, it doesn’t matter to them. They don’t care what’s coming across our borders unless it’s got a darker complexion.
[On accountability:]Â “Those who flaunt the rule of law should be held accountable.”
How about those who flout Strunk & White? Fraggin’ morons, the whole lot. Hey, at least when I do it, it’s a stylistic conceit or an honest mistake. (A…an…?) Meanwhile the Melanin Police over there insist on making English the official language of the United States when they don’t even know how to use it.
I dunno, what do you expect from the rabid followers of the Great Decider? Maybe they were thinking of him when they made that error. Little neocon, considering your complicity in torture, violating everyone’s civil rights, corruption, and elective wars, you don’t exactly have the moral high ground on any issue.
Just to be fair, let’s give ’em another bite or two at the apple. It’s fun to watch them choke when they find the worm.
“We need to say to those who commit crimes: ‘you’re out of here.’ We’re not going to fund you in jail, we’re not going to pay for your food, and we’re not going to allow you to work out on weights. We’re not going to pay for your cable television. […] We will deport you within 72 hours….”
Ooh, zero tolerance on vatos, man. They’ll bust you, stick you in a cell and give you the first decent meal you’ve had in weeks! But just for three days, ese. Four days is gonna help the terrorists win.
[On compassion:] “I do have compassion for illegal immigrants, but if I have to choose, I’m going to choose American citizens first….”
Fine, pick your own pinche grapes.  And clean your own damn house while you’re at it. Then keep going till you clean up the whole federal government.
You don’t have to choose between immigrants and American citizens, Mr and Mrs Small Government. Streamline the immigration process.
These losers like to gripe about how the country “punishes people who play by the rules.” They’re the ones who set it up, made it bloated with bureaucracy, let it fall apart, and later replaced it with the Bureau of US Customs and Border Protection. They’re also the ones who make cracks about clearing out crowded restaurants by simply shouting, “La migra!”
Wanna try it again?
“We believe that everyone deserves a second chance. If an illegal immigrant working here would like to re-enter the country as a guest worker and as a legal immigrant, they should be given that chance.”
Gotta love these neocon claims of compassion for people they secretly despise. Whether they come in legally or illegally, neocons are still gonna bitch to high heaven about immigrants clogging our schools and our emergency rooms, about them taking our jobs and moving into our neighborhoods with their smelly cooking and how they breed like rats. Burdening the country’s safety net…the very safety net they want to tear down.
Of course the true hypocrisy behind Frank Luntz’ s pre-manufactured bromides: Under a section called Words That Work With Hispanic Republicans, the report suggests the following line: “If we take human life seriously, we will take these human trafficking rings seriously.” Not a point of policy. It’s a talking point.
Talk. That’s all they’ve got. They don’t want to fix the problem. They only want to sound like it.
Meanwhile I’m going to keep talking about it — burning — until they come clean or offer some real solutions, whichever comes first.
So you know this is gonna go on for a while.